Hello, this is your neighbor
I am probably going to hell for this–but do you know how it is when you kinda just snap?
We live with a Jehovah’s Witness “church” right across from our back yard. A drainage ditch called Brushy Bayou runs between us but we are effectively back door neighbors. The church has seen some growth since we built our house here nine years ago and, unfortunately, a few years ago the operation began to cross over into nuisance territory. This year they have established a permanent settlement in that territory.
Don’t get me wrong. This is not a religious issue. I don’t care about whatever stage people may be experiencing in their search for significance. Everyone is entitled to their personal search for the meaning of life. That concept is what I understand to be freedom of religion. I am not sure how a pyramid scheme peddling Watchtower magazines door to door plays in to the greater scheme of things, but to each his own. Really, I have no clue as to what they do. However, every time we begin to tell our friends about our “situation”, the conversation always degenerates into techniques used to get rid of them when they are on your doorstep.
As a matter of fact, as I write this at this moment at 8:46 am on Monday morning, the wife (who is on holiday for Christmas) just informed me that the first Jehovah has arrived in the parking lot. Probably parked at the furthest spot in the nice lot. I think this guy always arrives a bit early to get the coffee on for the bosses. Definitely the guy is a harbinger.
Here is the problem. Most churches have a hard time getting people to show up. Seems the Jehovah’s have no home. I have lived next to churches on a couple of different occasions throughout my lifetime. Never a problem. Church was mainly a Sunday morning affair. And then a smaller occasion on Wednesday evenings. Wednesdays were never a nuisance because, one, we didn’t have to go and, two, it was a fair trade for no homework on Wednesday nights.
The Jehovah’s on the other hand are seven days a week. From early in the morning to ten, ten-thirty every night. But that isn’t even the problem. The problem is that they come and go all day and evening. Come and go. Come and go. Crying children brought outside regularly. Screaming and crying children brought outside regularly. Small impromptu gatherings around their cars as they arrive and then again for even longer periods before they depart. Sharing the good news, I am sure.
The cherry on it all? They have an alarm on the building. They have an alarm that says rather loudly, “BURGLARY! BURGLARY! YOU HAVE ENTERED A RESTRICTED AREA! PLEASE LEAVE THE AREA IMMEDIATELY… BURGLARY! BURGLARY…”
When does it go off? Regularly. It seems to be on a cheap motion sensor like the old car alarms. It goes off at anytime during the day or night. We can be in the back yard on a Sunday afternoon bar-b-queing looking right at the place and it would go off. Nobody ever shows up to look into things. The alarm blares it’s warning for about ten, fifteen minutes then shuts itself off. Usually it goes off when one of the Jehovah’s show up early and sets it off trying to get in. At least when they set the damn thing off we only have to listen to it for about five minutes. That’s how long it takes the idiot to get someone on the phone who knows the code, I guess. Sometimes it goes off two, three times in a row. I mean, the damn thing isn’t even monitored. It’s useless–except for as an annoyance to their neighbors maybe.
So what did I do, you are probably wondering by now if you are still reading this. Well, I spend a lot of time in my garage and in the back yard. I cook outside, smoke outside, and have some weight equipment on the back patio that I use regularly. Friday afternoon, as the second or third hoard of the day began to arrive across the ditch, I decided to have a little music while working out. Hmm. What shall we listen to?
I know, how bout some Kid Rock. Yeah some Kid Rock will be nice.
I only used my daughters little portable CD spinner this time. I have made idle threats over the last couple of years to pull the big speakers out there and play some Lil Kim. It seems now we are getting to that point. We have begun down that slippery slope of neighborly turf battle. You know you have all played it before. It can get ugly, I know, but enough is enough.
Friday was a shot across the bow. At the very least, I will shut down the loitering problem in the parking lot.
So, does anybody have any good stories on how to get a Jehovah off your doorstoop. Especially if it results in them never coming back.